Mush
by KingCobra582
Summary: A parody of the classic episode "Hush". Give me some reviews, please, people. Contains some AU, language, and violence. Also contains twisted humor. BEWARE!


MUSH

By Jake Denton (kingcobra_582@hotmail.com)

A/N: This is a parody of the BTVS episode "Hush" which was one of my favorites, and so I have decided to make a spoof of it. I am open to reviews and comments of all opinions, positive or negative. In fact, I encourage it. Give me feedback, people. The fic is script format, BTW. Just so you know.

WARNING: Language. Violence. Innuendos. Odd Humor. Large trout whacking. 

DISCLAIMER: Buffy and company… NOT MINE.

(Sunnydale University, Maggie Walsh's classroom. The professor is giving a lecture on the human psyche or some boring crap like that. All of the students try, and mostly fail, to stay awake.)

M. WALSH: -- and that concludes my speech. Now I need some volunteers for a demonstration. Anyone? (no response, except snoring) Oh. All right then. Buffy.

BUFFY: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..

M. WALSH: BUFFY SUMMERS!!!

BUFFY: (half-asleep, springs awake, and wipes the drool off the corner of her mouth) Mommy, I didn't steal the toast!! (fully wakes up) Oh. Huh?

M. WALSH: Buffy, would you come down here and give a demonstration to the rest of the class, please?

BUFFY: Sure. (Does so.)

M. WALSH: Lie down on my desk, please.

BUFFY: (complies, spreading her legs open in the process. The entire class immediately awakens, and the men in the class begins to make cheers and dog whistles.)

M. WALSH: (to Buffy, under breath) Close them. (to class, who groans when Buffy closes her legs) A normal teenage girl. Blonde, pretty, and very hot. (looks to her right) Riley, will you come down here, please?

RILEY: (grabs his asthma inhaler, squealing like a nerd) Sure. (takes two steps forward, trips on the rug, and lands on his face, breaking his nose open. The class laughs.) Oops. Look what I did.

M. WALSH: (getting annoyed, when the bell rings) Oh, to hell with it. Class dismissed.

RILEY: But I was gonna get lucky with the hot girl.

BUFFY: Ha!

(She leaves with the rest of the class. Riley follows, hunched over as he walks, drooling.)

RILEY: Great legs… tight ass… nice rack…. Great body… SHA-WINGGG!!!

(Buffy notices Riley's interest, and responds by pulling a large trout out of the air, and whacking him across the head with it.)

RILEY: Cool. Buffy hit me. She likes me. Wait until I tell my online Babylon 5 club about this! (runs off to find a computer.)

(Buffy walks away and then stops when she sees a little girl, holding a small box, standing in the hallway.)

GIRL: (singing) The Gentleman are coming by.

                           You can't scream and you can't cry.

                            Is this song supposed to be scary

                            Or am I just high?

BUFFY: (stares for a few seconds) What the hell?

(Clock Tower, after dusk. A group of freaky-looking dudes in nice suits open a box similar to the one the little girl was holding. A large mist comes in through the windows and, as soon as the mist is inside the box, the box is closed.)

GENTLEMEN 1: Heh heh heh heh heh… (starts wheezing.)

(Sunnydale U., next morn. Willow and Buffy's shared room. The slayer gets out of bed, and, grabbing a toothbrush and other bathroom essentials, head towards the ladies' room outside in the hallway. A girl runs by her crying and jumps out the window.)

BUFFY: (looks strangely at the window, then shrugs, goes to the bathroom, does her thing, and returns to the room. Willow is up. Buffy starts to say "Hi" but quickly realizes she can't speak.)

WILLOW: (Is also mute. Grabs a small chalkboard conveniently lying on her nightstand, and writes the words "What happened?" on it with a piece of chalk. Buffy shrugs.)

BUFFY: (mouths) I'll go find Giles and the others.

WILLOW: (mouths) Okay. I'll try a spell to restore our voices. Since I can't speak, I'll have to do interpretive dancing instead and hope for the best.

BUFFY: (mouths) Okay.

(She leaves. Willow comically tries to do her dance, waving her arms and legs, and shaking her head around, but loses her balance and falls onto the floor.)

(Downtown Sunnydale. Buffy walks down the street, headed for Giles' place. The entire town is filled with mute people. Several citizens stand on the sidewalk, selling message boards, while others stand around trying out their enforced mime impersonations, while still others run around in a panic, then sprawl the words "I can't take it anymore!" on the buildings with spray paint or write it with marker on the boards before proceeding to blow their heads off.)

(Giles' apartment. Xander, Anya, and Spike are sitting around on their asses, all of them engaged various activities. Xander's eyes are closed and he is moaning while Anya's head bobs in his lap. Spike is snorting cocaine, and Giles is in the kitchen making a pizza when Buffy storms in. The slayer swings the door shut in a attempt to close it, but accidentally rips it off its' hinges. Giles looks at her from the kitchen.)

BUFFY: (holds up a message board and sprawls the words "Sorry--- slayer strength" on it.)

(Sunnydale U., some dorm. A guy is asleep in his bed when there's a knock at the door. He gets up sleepily and opens the door sluggishly. Suddenly, two monsters in straitjackets tackle and carry him over to the bed. The guy screams for help, but since he can't say a word, no one can hear him. One of the gentlemen floats over with that shit-eating grin on his deformed face.)

BOY: (struggles, and tries screaming for help again to no avail.)

(The gentleman pulls a large trout out from somewhere inside his suit and begins beating the guy with it.)

(Sunnydale U., next morning. There's a media circus. Cops walk out of the dead kid's room. Written on their notepads are "Kid beaten to death by trout. Death by heart jumping out of chest." Buffy slips in and sees the boy's corpse.)

(Tower, night. Buffy bursts in, with a bow gun, and sees Riley, dressed in Military commando.)

BUFFY: (mouthing the words) Wait. Wasn't Halloween three months ago?

RILEY: (lip syncs) This isn't a Halloween costume. You see, I'm…

(His "words" are cut off by the straitjacket monsters attacking them. During the struggle, Buffy realizes that everyone's voices are inside the box, which is sitting on the table. She grabs a large trout and smashes it. When her voice is back, Buffy screams LOUDLY, causing the Gentlemen and the straitjackets to all die. Riley collapses to the floor, screaming and holding his ears.)

RILEY: OW! MOMMEE!!

BUFFY: Well, they're dead, and we're all safe now. At least, until I fight another freakish demon creature while the rest of the Scooby Gang stand around helplessly and wet themselves. (looks at Riley) We've got a lot to talk about.

RILEY: Yeah, we do.

BUFFY: (grabs a large trout and starts beating him with it) That's for staring at my ass!! (she whacks him again, and doesn't stop.)

RILEY: OW! Owie owie owie ow! Helppp!!!

THE END.


End file.
